I recently read Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey and was drawn to a section titled, “Solo Performance.” It got me thinking about female masturbation and how it is rarely discussed.
We ALL do it, yes, even your sweet grandmother has taken herself to O-Town. So why is it that women are given such a hard time for masturbating? They are labeled as crazy, erratic sluts. But when a guy does it? – That’s just a typical morning.
Do you remember that episode of Sex and the City when Samantha tries to return her vibrator to Sharper Image, only to be told it’s a neck massager? Why can’t we all be as confident and carefree as everyone’s favorite SATC fictional character?
I asked my closest girlfriends why they do or don’t do it. The ones I asked in-person were more than willing to answer. A few of the ones I asked over text sent laughing emojis and never answered. I even had one friend tell me she was paranoid the government would see our text conversation, so we spoke on the phone instead. Here are the answers I DID get:
“I masturbate because it’s easier than dating. I’d rather swipe myself.”
“I masturbate because it helps me know my body and what I like. I think the reason I’m able to orgasm so easy with men is because I play around and figure out what makes it happen. It’s also a huge stress reliever, especially when you aren’t getting laid on the regular.”
“When it’s a dry desert of men in L.A., you have no choice.”
“I guess I don’t because I feel awkward being alone and I’ve never really tried. I think it’s something that everyone does but I feel like people would think it’s weird if I said I did (honestly no idea why). It’s not like I never touch myself but I don’t sit there and really get after it.”
“I think I masturbate because I’m horny like 98% of the time. I’m also not actively having sex with anyone so that’s part of the reason it’s so frequent.”
“It’s fun and it feels good.”
“I used to a lot more but now that I have a boyfriend I don’t as often. I feel like you very rarely orgasm when you have sex and I don’t have time for that. Is that bad?”
“I compare female masturbation to a guy and a handjob. He’d rather do it himself.”
“I masturbate because I’m not in a relationship where I have regular sex.”
“It makes me feel kind of dirty, so I guess that’s why I don’t do it. I’m also terrified my grandmother is watching from heaven. Jk. Not really.”
So the next time someone gives you sh*t for doing or talking about a solo performance, tell them they don’t know what empowerment feels like (emotionally or physically). And to answer my initial question, who the hell knows why it’s taboo – it’s human nature after all.
To all of my sisters who haven’t tried touching themselves, get ‘society’ out of your head and focus on yourself. Do not be ashamed. You deserve to feel good. You are beautiful. You are radiant. You are your own moon and stars.